When Chuck Norris is bitten by a vampire, the vampire turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has a Mnopoly but no one dares to challenge him because it’s a Monopoly on pain.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Bigfoot is always hiding After Chuck Norris was born there was no placenta, only a license… to kill.

Chuck Norris literally CAN carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Chuck Norris does not speed read. Words run away when he opens a book.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too. And kill people while eating the cake.

Chuck Norris cleans his wounds with salt, lemon juice, and hydrocloric acid.

There is no theory of evolution, chuck norris just killed all the animals he didnt like!!!

Chuck Norris’ spit is pure adrenaline

Chuck Norris doesnt shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When the Universe was young and foolish, it got into a fight with Chuck Norris. We now know this as the “Big Bang.”

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

The place known as the Bermuda Triangle is actually the secret location of Chuck Norris’ dojo

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

When Chuck Norris jumps from a building, the concrete commits suicide.

Everyone knows the speed of light…Chuck Norris knows the speed of darkness.

Hitler commited suicide because he found out Chuck Norris was coming for him.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.

There was once a concept of a Chuck Norris cartoon. The person that tried to draw Chuck Norris died under mysterious circumstances.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

When Chuck Norris gets shot at by a gun the bullets bounce off and kills the person who shot Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a 3D TV, he looks at his TV the right way and it becomes 3D out of fear.

Chuck Norris has proven Newton’s third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Time laughs at all things… Except Chuck Norris. Time knows better than to laugh at Chuck Norris. And that’s why he will live forever.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

NASA beams episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger to outer space as a warning for Aliens of what will happen if they invade Earth.

Osama Bin Laden is only alive because Chuck Norris does not like Afghanistan but he still hides just incase.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game…..with a golf ball

When Chuck Norris is in Rome, they do as Chuck Norris does.

Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris said 5 “Bloody Mary s” and 3 “Candyman s” Simultaneously in an abandoned warehouse mirror. He then saw both of them run away from him.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Archaeologists are still unsure of how the Dinosuars became extinct; then they realized, Chuck Norris doesn’t like dinosaurs.

Superman’s weakness is Kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris has never acted in a movie or tv show, he just shows up, round house kicks someone and gets paid.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of whathe calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.

Leading Hand sanitizers claim that they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris’s calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.”