I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter  and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…

Call me a womanizer, Casanova, or a lover of pretty women, and I’ll give you a happy hug. I love women, and for the most part, they love me too. I have a big head, hunched shoulders, and amazing bow legs (Yes, you heard me right, I have the best sickle-shaped legs on earth!), but I’m sweet, my smile lights up the world, and even my fart reminds ladies of scented rose petals, and Cuban spice.

Armed with all of these gifts, I spent the past 5 months chasing women (up and down) in Lagos, and today, I have the perfect blend of events and moves on how to get you a pretty, intelligent Lagos chick.

Say thank you!

#1. Groom Yourself Like An Ajebutter

For me, by default, I’m an Ajebutter, so I sort of naturally look the part. I’m going to assume that you aren’t one of my kind and let you in on some secrets.

First, you have to have fairly decent clothes. Not over the top, not shabby. You don’t have to look like a colorful Michael Jackson or appear like some Agbero who smokes weed all day and drools at women in his spare time. You have to be moderate. Moderate and classy. That way, every Lagos chick will notice.

Don’t tell me the clothes are too expensive. In Lagos, we have Yaba, Balogun, Ajegunle Boundary, Oshodi, and a thousand other places where a good shirt costs less than your recharge card bill. If that sounds too expensive for you, then I’m afraid you have to quit reading today’s column. Go get a job. Leave women alone….except your mother. Make the pay and get those clothes in. Getting a Lagos chick is serious business.

Haircuts, good perfume, wristwatches…you know the drill. Do those too!

#2. Wear  An Accent

Lagos girls love it when their boyfriend or their ‘toaster’ is ‘janded’ (or has some foreign lifestyle about him). I understand that many reading this have not left the shores of Nigeria, and only know how to speak Nigerian English. With a thick Igbo, Yoruba, or Hausa accent. But then, these days, it’s easy to pick up a foreign accent. Whether British, American, French, Spanish, or Cotonou accent, it has become easy.

Stop watching foreign movies just to see people kissing, shooting, or learning how to kill a man with one punch. Listen carefully how the actors talk. And imitate. That way, slowly, you will begin to practice until it becomes habit. When you talk to a Lagos Chick, bring it on. Just breathe in, activate that accent, and let it flow. I already have an accent, so mine’s natural. It has worked plenty of times, and given me plenty of women.

But just in case you still experience difficulties bending your mouth the right way to pronounce words like a Brit, then stick to watching Kim Kardashian all day. (That line was sponsored by the Nigerian Society For The Frequent Watching Of Kim Kardashian).

#3. Be Ready To Spend

No Lagos chick wants to suffer.  She can’t be with a  broke-ass fine boy with British accent. If you like, let David Beckham train you in the art of public speaking, if you can’t cough up enough money to buy her cake and Ice Cream once a week, then brother, go get some money fast. You either have some change in your pocket, or the Lagos chick will change you.

Who wants to eat pretty clothes, and sip on your Spanish accent? For where? This is not a romantic movie where star-gazing and back rubs are the food for the love. In Lagos, money is the food of romance, and the lubricant that makes all relationships flow smoothly. Loosen your purse strings, and let love flow from your heart, and your wallet too.

……To be continued.