I remember
sometimes last year during Ramadan one of my siblings came home from school and
saw a stack of meat lying on the dining table, before she ate the meat she
asked if it was sallah meat and on knowing it was sallah meat she refused to
eat it, her reason was ‘Sallah meat was a form of muslim sacrifice and as Christians
we should not be eating such’, I smiled and thought ‘You snooze you loose, more
meat for Ope’.
As a child I
grew up in an estate in Lagos island and the residents of our estates were like
family. All our parents worked in the same place and their age gaps weren’t that
much. The residents were mostly yoruba’s with a few easterners and no
northerners. It was a fine mix of Christians and muslims. Our estate would organize
end of the year Christmas parties and easter parties and both muslims and Christians
would contribute and attend. Then during the muslim fasting when they broke in
the mosque all the muslim families would cook and bring meals to the mosque and
it was a buffet of assorted meals and a few Christians would join them in breaking
their fasts, not like the christians fasted but they came for the free food and
the muslims welcomed them, of course my family was among the Christians who ate
free food. On Ramadan they would share goat and cow meat to Christians and on Christmas
the Christians would share chicken and turkey and chicken and basically
everyone lived in peace and no one gave a fuck about being a Christian and
being a muslim. In the 90’s there were many churches and a few denominations
and extremist Christians and Muslims were scarce., or maybe that was just my
estate.
Fast forward
a few years later I’m older and I’m in the University and I ask a girl out and
she says she loves me and all but she can’t date me because I do not attend
jehovas witness. What Fuckery. Both of us are Yoruba, Both Nigerians, Both Live
in the same state, both have feelings for each other, both Christians but
because I do not attend the denomination of her church she wont date me?
When I tell
people I’m a Christian but I loathe going to church they look at me like one
sinner who’s doomed for hell. Do you know each church has their own bizzare way
of life, for example my church Redeem loves to beg and they guilt you that if
you don’t regularly give TO THE CHURCH you’re robbing God and you’re doomed for
hell, Then there’s the Jehovas witness who don’t even believe in hell , then
theres MFM people who curse their enemies and call it a prayer point, and then
there’s deeper life who insist that you dress like a grandma and also have a
beef with looking beautiful saying it is the way of the world. And the funny
part is that they can back all of these bizzare ideologies up with the bible. I’d
diss the white garment churches and say they add Jazz to their miracles but I remember
the last time I did such a family meeting was called over my head and my mother
was accused of raising the next anti Christ. The point here is that it all
starts with one man who has a bizzare belief and knows how to deliver a smooth
speech, he opens his own church, gets members and followers and brainwashes
them to share his beliefs and Bam a new Christian denomination is opened.(how
else do you think book haram was formed, a bizzare man with a sweet mouth that
was able to convince horny and poor illiterate hausa men that if they bomb themselves
and kill people they would have halfcaste virgins chilling for them in
paradise). Most pastors are like the leader of Boko haram, sweet mouth and
misleading people to do their own bidding, the only difference is that they don’t
commit suicide bombing. How can fellow Christians choose not to marry each
other just because they do not attend the same church, how the fuck is that
Unity?
When I told
my friends in Lagos that for my Nysc I’m teaching CRK and LITERATURE they all
laughed saying how can the devil be teaching CRK. Well for starters all my life
I went to Catholic schools and I’ve never in my life had a B in Crk, always had
A’s and when I was young I was always active in church, either I was in the
drama group, a chorister or playing drums, so trust me when I say my mind is an
arsenal of religious knowledge and facts. But unlike other Nigerians who are
cool with their churches and pastors thinking for them, I choose to be
objective and filter out what I want to believe in Christianity.
Who else has
seen those youtube and instagram videos of pastors telling their congregation
to do stupid shit, I saw one last week telling his church member to eat a live
snake saying by the grace of God it will taste like chocolate if he just
believes and doesnt question God, another told his whole congregation to run
outside and start eating grass and they all did. Now if you go to those people
in that church and tell them they are brainwashed wouldn’t they argue with you
and tell you how wrong you are quoting the bible saying shit like don’t question
Gods servant giving an example saying Jesus told a high posted man to bathe in
the river to cure his disease and if the man had argued with Jesus he wont be
cured. Now what makes you any different from those people who ate grass and ate
live snakes hoping it would be chocolate. The only difference is your pastor isn’t
as radical as theirs but him saying you should not fix your hair or wear makeup
is the same. I remember one time the G.O of the CAC church said he saw Bimbo
Odukoya in hell, because she wore makeup and sexy clothes. So God in his
infinite wisdom would be like ‘ Bimbo my child, how far. Well in the book of
life it shows u won many souls and did wonders in my name and you were genuinely
true to me.. but because you tried to look beautiful I’m sorry but you cant
chill with me in heaven. No hard feelings, go to hell”..
Now let’s
talk about the muslims, Do you know they are actually more unified than Christians
and actually less violent than Christians. And here’s the biggest shocker of
all, they have less religious fanatics than Christians. Yoruba muslims like to
overdo some shit, for examples the south has more muslim Ninja’s than the north
and unlike the female muslims in the south who refuse to shake and hug boys
more muslim females in the north shake and hug boys. I was surprised when I greeted
a (hot educated) hijab hausa muslim female in nysc camp and she gave me a full
breast feel my hard nipples kinda hug, I was like ‘daiyum’. I thought she
hugged me like that cuz she was feeling the boy but when I asked around I found
out that female muslims are allowed to Hug and only the extremists and maybe
married or engaged women don’t hug and that made sense to me. But in Lagos and
the western part of Nigeria our oversabi sisters sont hug talkless of shake. Now
when Nigerians hear hausa muslims the first thing that pops into their mind is book
haram or black violent hausa men with knives ready to stab. Unfortunately that’s
a lie but on a serious note never get in a fight with Hausa guys, cuz truly
they have knives and they will stab the fuck outa you, then again it’s not like
the agbero’s in lagos don’t have bottles ready to carve their signature on you.
Ok I seem to be digressing.
My point
here is that Religion is actually pulling us away rather than draw us closer. I’m
not saying religion is bad but trust me its not half as rosy as pastors paint
it. It separates us, for example in Kaduna there are Hausa muslims and Hausa Christians
and 90 percent of the hausa muslims live in kaduna north and 90 percent of the
Hausa christains live in Kaduna south and the Christians and muslims rarely
marry, though they are at peace. And imagine, they are of the same fucking
tribe but because of a thing called Religion they refuse to separate themselves
and yet they believe in the same God but because one calls his God Allah and
the other calls him the numerous name Christians call God(I call Jesus My
Nigga, cuz he’s the son of the original G) they refuse to blend. Isnt that just
stupid. I’m a Christian and I believe in
God and I accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savoir, I just don’t believe
in the church and if you ever see me going to church its for various weird
reasons, maybe cuz I bought new clothes and I wana show em off, or maybe cuz a
girl I’m crushing on invited me, or maybe the church is known for serving free
food(like Anglican churches in USA, I never missed church when I was abroad),
or the church is a youth church with fine wayward girls(catholic churches) or
maybe I’m just pretending to be religious to get in the pants of a religious
babe, my reasons differ.
I feel like
eating fried rice.
5 comments
D pastor dat asked his members to swallow live snakes and all dat shit is not Frm Nigeria and it wasn't done here bt was done in south Africa
ReplyDeleteLol, guy nice write up, but i still think u ar looking 4 an excuse ti ditch church.
ReplyDeleteIf u really serve God though u will forget all wat u see and believe, its just btw u and ur God
I totally agree with you. He is looking for an excuse not to go to Church!!. A Christian that does not go to Church is not fully a Christian. Take it or leave it. Although your write-up is true AF d fact that somepeople have distorted views on Christianity is not enough reason. So go to Church and form a relationship with God not with d pastor forgetting the twisted society around you after all salvation is personal!! Nice writeup
DeleteI totally agree with you. He is looking for an excuse not to go to Church!!. A Christian that does not go to Church is not fully a Christian. Take it or leave it. Although your write-up is true AF d fact that somepeople have distorted views on Christianity is not enough reason. So go to Church and form a relationship with God not with d pastor forgetting the twisted society around you after all salvation is personal!! Nice writeup
DeleteLovely writeup. It is realistic and has lots of humor in it. I dont agree 100% with my fellow commentators on the issue of you trying to ditch church and coming up with excuses. Whats the point of going to church wen 98% of the congregation arent there to worship God. I feel you can stay at home with ur friend or family and worship God in spirit and in truth. It is said that " when two or more are gathered in his name, he is there". Me staying at home with my family to worship God wldnt make my prayers to be less answered.
ReplyDelete