Twas all fun and games pretending to be a medical doctor while in camp. All the ladies loved me, guys respected me, soldiers believed all my dumbass excuses not to work, and even the camp officials were super nice to me… all cuz they all thought I was a medical doctor.

It all started week one when I got to camp, toosh Lagos boys enters a pako zone. Everyone was speaking broken English and forming streets so I had a big problem blending and fitting in with the guys since I refused to conform and speak broken english, even the girls were not so hot looking and their broken English was thicker than the boys, to be honest I was disappointed. They'd wake us up  4am everyday to march and the soldiers bullied the fuck out of us. I wasn’t all about that life so I decided to start stabbing and hiding from all camp activities. My first hiding spot was in the toilet but the smell of congealed shit was too much for a nigga to handle. Then I tried hiding behind the church to sleep while camp activities were happening but the sand flies had a swell time sucking my blood. Then one day mannah fell from heaven and landed in my arms. Literally...

One night during one of those random dumbass social events we were forced to attend, I and my pharmacist friend were talking to one hot akwa ibom babe when from nowhere a chick just collapsed and fell on me, I had no choice but to carry her to the clinic and I told the corper doctors what happened and they treated her. Later on I found out she too was a doctor and we bore the same name so we had a little chat and exchanged numbers. On my way back to the dumbass event I saw soldiers punishing everyone in camp(yes, EVERYONE) telling them to lie down on the grass cuz they made noise. One soldier walked up to me and told me to join them but another soldier stopped him and told him that I carried a sick girl to the clinic and I was a doctor, and because of that they freed me and I returned to the clinic.

That was how my biggest scam ever was born, I had to become a doctor in camp. I’d been seeing em doctors and how they got babes, all they had to do was wear their doctor tag and walk around and smile and babes would swarm them like bees to honey. The next day my doctor friend said he was leaving camp cuz he had business so I begged him to give me his  doctor tag.

Before I became a fake doctor my life in camp was miserable and lonely but the moment he handed his tag over to me it was like God gave me wings and transformed me into an angel, also with the tag I became a chronic liar and an actor. Even the medical personnels believed I was a doctor. I was free as fuck in camp. While my mates were in parade I’d hide in clinic and sleep. During boring camp lectures where people weren’t ment to roam around I would go to mami and eat like the glutton I am, soldiers would see me and I’d tell them ive been on shift since the night before and I was on a break. During times when all the corpers would be at the parade ground and told not to move I’d just walk out like a boss and when they would stop me I’d just pull the medical tag out and show them and continue walking. It was so bad one time that during one of those job training shit they do in class I was sleeping on a lecturers chair and he shouted at me and woke me up and I just hissed and when he told me to kneel down I just brought out my medical tag and walked away like a boss. Literally doctors were superior to other corpers. I’d talk about how I used the tag to get babes in camp but some of them would probably be reading this post so I won’t do that. *wink wink*

Anyways so I joined the camp drama club and I played the talking drum for em. Twas fun, I would watch babes shake their boobs and booty all in the name of drama, so a few days to camp ending they told all of us in the group to write our names down that all of us would get automatic posting to town, I was damn happy and as I about to write my name the camp official stopped me and said that posting for doctors were automatic so I shouldn’t bother writing my name. I had a decision to make, either tell her the truth and get posted to town or stick with my lie and continue being a God in camp.. Well I stuck to my lie in hopes that I could still get posted to town. Fast forward a few days on the last day of camp our posting letters were out and they posted me to a village. At first I was indifferent because I was posted to a school named Gss idon, I thought the GSS stood for Girls Secondary School. I smiled wishing the school would be like queens college in lagos where they raped boys but my smile turned to a frown when they told me Gss ment Government secondary school. There was a coffin looking bus waiting to take us corpers to the village so I headed over there hoping to see fellow female corpers posted to the village but lo and behold it was like a sausage fest, GUYS GUYS GUYS. As the coffin looking bus took us to the village I felt every ounce of joy leave me, not that I’ve been to sambisa forest before but the bus was heading to a village that seemed like sambisa. As we left the bus a couple of corpers that looked as if they’ve been in prison came to welcome us. Like me everyone else in the bus was also depressed and the first thing we asked them was why all the phone networks weren’t working. The corpers pointed to a mountin and said the top of the mountain was the only place in the village we could get network. I actually thought they were kidding but when I saw Niggaz heading to the mountain I knew shit just got real. So I asked the former corpers residing there a couple of questions, I asked em about the light and they said No light for the past 6 months, I asked if they were babes and they said all d babes our age were either schooling in town or married and town to my village was three hours. I asked if there were any beer parlours (that was what I was reduced to, from clubs and bars to beer parlours) and they said no that there’s only one small joint that sold roasted bat, dog meat and one local beer called brukutu. At that point I knew my life was fucked. I and the new corpers took a hike to the mountain to call our loved ones and when it became dark we all trotted down and had our showers with well water that looked like milk.  Since there was no light to cook we all decided to take a walk around d village to get food to eat. While some bought a meal that looked like bread and the others bought badly cooked noodles by malams I decided to get suya. The meat was white so I asked the man what meat it was, he didn’t understand English but when I pointed at the meat and made animal gestures the aboki made an animal sound and said ‘BAAA’, all I know is that dogs don’t make baa sound so I paid for the funny looking roasted meat and ate away. 

Back at the corpers lodge I and like 10 other boys slept in one prison looking room. Before I slept I started to think about my life, how a few months ago I was cruising around the world balling and here I am in a small dark room with random dudes In the most remote village in Nigeria.. WITH NO BABES. How the mighty hath fallen. I had so much mixed feelings that I started to pray, well it wasn’t a prayer per say, it was more of me vexing for God and asking him why he would do such to me, the last time I prayed before then was three weeks earlier when I was about to enter a plane to kaduna. I’m scared of flying in Nigeria so everytime I’m about to fly I fast and pray. While vexing and asking God questions I didn’t know when tears started to roll from my eyes and I started to sob softly. One of the corpers woke and asked me wassup and I lied that I had catarrh. I cried for like 2 minutes and  I just stayed awake hoping this was all a dream. But then I woke and it was all real. I later realized that all the girls also cried in their rooms and none of the guys cried.. lol, if only they knew. 

That morning an old man entered the corpers lodge and said 5 students here were posted to his school and he called 5 names out and as devil would have it I was amongst them. What was worse was that he called out 4 guys and just 1 girl. It was bad enough that I was in a village but the school I was posted to was a sub village in that village, I had no idea there was such a thing as a sub village but that shit exists. He drove the 5 of us in his car to the school and introduced us to some random staff and everyone was looking at us as if we were white people in a village in Kenya, apparently we were the first set of corpers to EVER go to that village.

This is the point where I’ll end my story, there’s no need to go further, I’m pretty sure you get the message here. My life as we know it is officially over.

Disclaimer: I am not a bitch ass Nigga who cries over small shii.. The last time I cried was in ss2, no I'm not going to tell u what made me cry, its none of your business.. So don't be reading this article and start to think 'damn, this guy is a punk ass crying nigga'.. Living in a village with no babes, no light and no internet is enough to make a grown man sob. 

*drops mic and walks away likes a boss*

 *hits leg on stone and limps away* lol