I’ve only been drunk only once in my life. I remember it clearly, I was in my freshman year in Uni(lol, freshman year, I sound so boogie and shii) and my school father took me to a house party and I drank a full bottle of 501. I was told that I puked, entered the spirit and predicted everyone’s future and got arrested by the police and slept in a cell for two hours(fun fact: I’ve slept in a cell twice..
the second time I slept in a cell was when I wrote a expose article on military men raping one of my students during nysc and got 4 military men fired, that’s another story for another day.. or you could just READ HERE. I don’t recall any of these happening though but all I know is that for two months random people in school kept greeting me and calling me pastor.

Remember when I said I’ve only been drunk once in my life, that’s a damn lie. I got drunk last night and it happened in my FUCKING office. But before I gist you, let me flash back and tell you how it all started. I’d like to believe I have a high alcohol tolerance, I’ve only been drunk once in my life and I can drink a whole bottle of whiskey and I’d only be a little bit tipsy. Where I work doesn’t even help matters. We drink randomly and throw parties almost every week and when I say throw parties, trust me, those parties are fucking litt.  There’s a buffet of booze (and not the cheap stuff, expensive shit) and most times cake and when we’re in a good mood we serve doughnuts, pizza and meat pie to garnish the booze. I drink so much I won an award in our Christmas party for “The staff who drinks so much but never gets drunk” and my prize was a bottle of the finest whiskey.. I also won an award for ‘the most creative staff who brings so much to the table” (pops collar). Ok, I’m dilly dallying around, Let’s dive into the damn story of the best/worst night of my life.

Those who know me would know that I’m the shyest motherfucker in Nigeria. I’m tall, big, extroverted and I have a deep voice so everyone just naturally assumes I’m confident and since everyone assumes I’m confident I just pretend to be confident. Deep down I’m the shyest geek you’ve never met. I literally don’t know how to walk up to a girl in person and start a conversation. I’ve only done that shii once in my life and before I did it I had to give myself a 30-minute pep talk telling myself I’m the shii and I’m a catch. Obviously she dropped her number cuz, well I’m tall bearded and my voice is deep AF. Shout out to God for giving me these qualities, if I was short with a normal voice and not bearded my self-esteem would be at an all time low. Again I digress, so I got so high that I started talking to girls who were WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY above my league (pats self on back) and I think I collected like four numbers (pats self on back again, obviously I ain’t gonna call them) and I remember going down on one knee and proposing to one of my colleague asking her to marry me, I have no idea where I got the ring from though(sigh, Ope.. Ope.. you really outdid yourself this time). It’s safe to say that night was litt AF and my office transformed to a club with everyone dancing and the bar was an open bar with everyone drinking to their fill. From what I recall, I drank like 5 red cups of alcohol.


Did I hear you ask “But Ope, your night sounds litt. What could have made it the worst night of your life?”. After the excessive drinking comes the misyarning and puking. (Again, shout out to God for not letting me misyarn because if I had misyarned and said whats on my mind I would gotten fired). The only misyarn I remember saying was me telling my colleagues to dare me to slap my boss’s ass, I have no idea why I said that. I’m straight Af. (sigh, I really need to stop drinking). Anyways, i didn’t misyarn (much) but I puked a whole fucking lot. While puking one of my superiors at work uttered in a condescending manner,“So, this is the dude we gave best drinker at work” and while I was puking the CEO said and I quote “Get this shit outta here”. Me, Opeyemi Famakin(no idea why I just called my name, not like I’m important or anything.. but still), Shit. Me, Shit. Ah I’ve suffered in this life. That’s the last thing I remember. The next thing I know, it’ 5am and my alarm rings and I find myself in our old office (alongside other niggas who also got drunk…. Ok they weren’t as drunk as me though) and all I can think about is get this shit outta here. While thinking about get this shit outta here, the other half of my brain wrote this article you’re reading in 3 minutes (no jokes) and here I am writing what my brain told me to write at 5:30am. This is the reason why I’d rather be a writer than a chef, because writing comes very easy to me.

Here’s the worst part. When I get home I’m still gonna drink and I’m a 100% sure I’m going to drink on Saturday and Sunday. Again, I’m not a drunk, I just have a VERY high alcohol tolerance.

Sigh, I think I have a drinking problem. Oh well, something must kill a man.

And finally, I'm still fucking high off yesterdays booze. On the bright side though, no hangover.